It's December? Really?

Posted by Mucgwyrt on December 1st, 2007 filed in Daily Life
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Christmas Tree 2007

This is our first christmas tree in our own home. Yes, we were here last year, but we didnt have any decorations or the money to buy them.

I love these decorations. The photo hasn’t shown them very well, but they’re all white and red. There are wooden balls with stripes and spots, oversized white and red bells, and large felt snowflakes and red stars. And of course fairy-lights and candy-canes.

Spirit House

Posted by Mucgwyrt on November 4th, 2007 filed in Projects, Spirituality, The Great Outdoors
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Our house came complete with a coordinating delapidated bird house in the garden. One day, feeling particularly sorry for our house with it’s crumbling plaster and elusive damp problem, I decided to renovate the bird house and turn it onto a Spirit House. Sort of a symbol of our dedication to sort the house out, and maybe to get the local spirits on side.

As it turned out, the the bird house was rotten through too - totally unsalvageable. A symbol of the last owner’s dedication to the house, ironically enough.

Undeterred, I went to the local DIY store, bought myself some wood and a saw, and set to work. A month on, and it’s finally up! The window at the top holds a large star-cut peice of quartz, which is held in place with silver wire bound to look like a tree. I even tiled the floor, overkill or what?!

Gander and I saw a lot of spirit houses when we travelled Cambodia; all shapes, all sizes. People would erect one near the door to their property, or on the bow of their boat, or at the foot of a landslide. They would leave all sorts of offerings; cans of coke, fruit, flowers, incense, candles. I loved the idea.

I’m going to think up a very simple dedication ceremony for when I add my first offering - probably some kind of bird seed, and a fresh egg from the hens.

A very successful week off

Posted by Mucgwyrt on November 2nd, 2007 filed in Daily Life
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I’ve had this week “on holiday”, and although we haven’t gone anywhere, it’s been one of the best ever.

For starters, I’v actually had the energy to enjoy it - not just be sick throughout the whole thing (although I do seem to have now caught a wee case of the huge honking sneezes).

I’m 2/3 way through painting my brother’s cat for him for a christmas gift, and it’s turning out well - despite the fact it’s my first painting in 2 years, and my first acrylic painting since I left college five years ago! I’d like to paint my sister’s children for her, but that’s far more challenging so we’ll have a go and see how it turns out.

Gander took me a nice Chinese restaurant yesterday, which was hugely expensive by our standards, but really yummy. I felt like I was going to explode by the time we left (the sign of a good restaurant?). It’s been a very long time since we went out for dinner together, and it’s a real joy to find that even after almost 7 years we still have no shortage of things to talk and laugh about. We then went to a pub which plays live music, which Tom loves. He got a tad macho (”what are you doing with my wife?” style) when he emerged from the gents to find some guy trying his luck with me - I guess he must be feeling a bit unnerved after the hunky Polish cashier in Lidl wrote his number on the back of my receipt the other day…

I have joined Abel and Cole, as the city where I live has a distinct shortage of decent grocers. I wasn’t particularly fussed about it being organic, just fresh - I really do hate when you buy a bag of fresh spinach from Asda and find it rotting in it’s bag. I have signed up for a fortnightly delivery of the Essential Organic Box because the cheaper box was too fruit-heavy for my liking, and have an order of milk, potatoes and mushrooms on top. Yum!

A helping hand?

Posted by Mucgwyrt on October 31st, 2007 filed in Spirituality, M.E. / CFS
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Some of you will recall that I used to astral travel spontaneously 3-4 times a week. Much deliberation and discussion gave rise to the theory that it was connected to my m.e./cfs in some way, for reasons which are too involved to go into.

I would start out sleeping, exhausted, and then at about 2am I would gain enough awareness to begin lucid dreaming. My awareness of myself and my surroundings would grow, until I was aware of my body in my bed, and then I would leave it. Each journey would last 1-2 minutes, that’s all, and then I’d be “pinged” back into my body. But then I’d leave again. I would leave a dozen times in a night over the course of about an hour.

This went on for about 6 months, 2-3 times a week. It then petered out, reducing down to once a month or so. I’m unsure of exactly why, but think it’s most likely because the few years since have held so much upheaval that I’m honestly not “centred” anymore, or spiritually active; life was one big rollercoaster, focusing on establishing myself in the world, and my journey for The Material (new house, new job, new city…). But since going down to four days a week at work - and starting the anti-depressants - I’ve felt so much happier, so much more centred, so much more myself. And things are starting to happen again.

Astral projecting also used to attract spirits to me. I would the deceased qeueing by my bedside, “waking” to find them telling me about their lives, their regrets, their wishes and dreams. They wished they’d told Billy they loved him more often. They wished they hadn’t disowned Sarah. It was like a last Confession before they moved on, and all they wanted was someone - anyone - to listen and acknowledge so they could leave their lives behind without guilt or regret. My working theory was that my astral body, which I knew to glow, Flared in some way and they were drawn to that. They knew I could hear them.

Last night I was having a dream, just a dream, which isn’t important enough to warrant describing. There were, as there are in many of my stressed out aimless activity-filled dreams, Good Things (which I wanted around me), and Bad Things (which I feared and wanted to repel). I think in this dream they were as simple as red lights and white lights… It was a struggle, a conflict, and at one point - at that point where the dream stops becoming a dream and becomes lucid - I questioned my logic. Instead of struggling to balance the power that I was, in the dream, directing at both simultaneously attracting and repelling, I realised that if I just concentrated all my energy, all my power, into one single action, it would be a thousand times more powerful and The Bad Things wouldn’t stand a chance anyway. So, I simply emitted what I can only describe as a burst of all consuming energy, of love, of light. And like a nuclear explosion it engulfed everything, consumed everything.

I think, in retrospect, that must have been a Flare. I was becoming more and more lucid, and the energy I emitted in the dream went beyond it… I dont know. It could all be codswallop. Either way, next thing I know, I’m aware of my body in the bed, like the good old days. The cat is on my feet, and Gander is in the next room (because I got fed up with his cold-induced snoring and turfed him out earlier in the night). And someone is holding my hand, firmly but gently, by the fingers. They are pulling me out of the bed, pulling and pulling. I can’t pull away - they are too strong - but they aren’t hurting me either. But I resist because I dont like the feeling that I’m being controlled, having my free will restricted, and eventually alarm wakes me.

I think that this Flare must have attracted something to me. The few times I have projected in the house there have been no spirits present, but for a single unremarkable visitor; someone just passing by. In fact, I blogged about the house feeling totally sterile not so long ago.

I think whatever was drawn to me was trying to encourage me to leave my body, pulling me away from it, trying to help me project. I dont think it meant me any harm, but it was new and alarming and I felt vulnerable.

I wonder whether the spirit has left, or if it will loiter? I wonder whether it will happen again?

Well, it went like this.

Posted by Mucgwyrt on October 28th, 2007 filed in Daily Life
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(Skilly, your comment got added to the “moderation” list, so I had to approve it before it would appear )

Gander came home, and we chatted for an hour or so. He mentioned that people from work had gone out the night before, but said he had stayed at work. I promted him several times, hoping he’d tell me, but he didn’t. He basically told me big fat porkies to my face, and that was really disappointing. He did tell me about his horrible day though, which was a relief.

In the end, after an hour, I told him very gently how I’d found the entry in his diary when looking for our banking password, and that I knew he’d gone out. I told him I understood that he just wanted to blow off some steam after a hard shift, but I also explained to him how important it was I could trust that when he phoned home to tell me he needed to work late, that it was the truth.

He looked so guilty, and I could tell he really hadn’t thought the whole situation through before. He said his little white lie had just slipped out to stop me getting mad with him for not coming home (he’d been away for almost a week by that point) but agreed that, in retrospect, it was far more important that we had trust in our relationship and if I had been mad, the worst that would have happened is that I’d have grumped a bit the next day.

I stayed very calm throughout, and it ended with him apologising profusely, saying he understood and it would never happen again, that he felt very terrible about the whole thing, and he promised to do all the tidying up for a week (!).

On the whole, it went as well as I could possibly have hoped, and he has been a real darling for the few days since. I was also proud of myself for staying so calm, because I think it really helped the situation resolve itself so smoothly.

(But honestly, who needs children, eh?)

What to do, what to do…

Posted by Mucgwyrt on October 23rd, 2007 filed in Daily Life
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Gander has been away for four days, babysitting his siblings while his mum is on her honeymoon. I made no secret of the fact that I would miss him while he was gone, and that four days was a terribly long time.

Following that time away, he was on a late shift at work yesterday, and should have been home at 9. He called at 9.15 to say work was hectic, and he “needed another hour or so” - something about a new admission, but that he could come home if I was waiting up. I said I had been, but if he needed another hour it was ok, and I’d just go to bed.

This evening - he’s on another late and again, won’t be back til late - I went to check our internet bank account. I needed to find Gander’s password (my account doesn’t show one of the accounts on it), which he has written in the middle page of his diary. I flicked through it, found the password and then as I went to close it, something caught my eye - an entry from last night. He hadn’t worked late, he’d gone to the pub with a girl from work.

Now, I know there was nothing untoward going on - he’s not having an affair, he’d just had a hard day and wanted to let off some steam. The pub trip was “innocent”, but I’m mad because he lied to me about where he was, and - basically - went to the pub with another woman, in secret.

I worry, perhaps irrationally, that this is the beginning of a trend, a ’slippery slope’. I worry because he finds it so easy to tell me such potentually huge little-white-lies. And I also worry because he doesn’t feel he can talk to me when he’s stressed. I worry because he didnt feel he could come home and let off steam with me. I feel like I am not enough, and I - irrationally - worry it will spread from little things like these, to bigger things, to the biggest thing.

What should I do?

If I don’t confront him, I will worry every time he phones home late - which is often, in his line of work - and my anger will bubble away beneath the surface, coming out when he least deserves it. If I do confront him, I’m going to get hugely in trouble for reading his diary - even if it was accidental, as unlikely as it sounds - and I do feel ashamed for having stopped to read the entry which caught my eye (it was the word “beer”, incidentally, because we had agreed to abstain).

We’ve not had an argument in years, and I dont want to start now, but I feel I have no choice but to raise this issue and no matter how much I approach the situation in a calm and collected manner, I just know my emotions will get the better or me, and the shit will hit the fan.

I intend to begin the conversation with the very loaded “so, is there anything you want to tell me?”, in the hopes he just hasnt found the time to tell me and will spill all (not that he didnt find the time to have sex with me this morning, or chat about spongebob knickers when we woke up at 3am).

I suppose I should stop drinking. Gander can argue the sun from the sky and, recalling the way our arguments used to progress in days long gone by, I will need to be able to think in a straight line……

Snow Goose

undergoing a change

It's December? Really?

Spirit House

A very successful week off

A helping hand?

Well, it went like this.

What to do, what to do…

The Book

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